Black Friday: Discounts You Never Knew You Needed.

It was 6:00 am and finally, after an hour and half of waiting, I had advanced towards the inner layer of Greensboro, North Carolina’s Four Season’s Mall. Unlike on regular days, where the walls to this sacred fortress of consumerism are highly fortified with non-discounted merchandise, today, on November 26th, better known to the masses as Black Friday, the powers that be let down their drawbridge, and in charged the masses of deal-seeking mercenaries. I admit, I was amongst them. Sure the idea of waking up at 4:00 am was vastly unappealing. However, the enticement of knowing that I could buy work apparel for my non-existent future job at 40% off standard retail price enticed me to wake up. As I fought an internal battle about whether to physically get out of bed or not, upon spotting an advertisement on my floor for a one-day-only special at the store Express, I simply realized that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t purchase their “Studio Stretch Columnist Pant” for it fortuitously addressed my journalistic career goals of working in a television studio, AND writing my own column. Clearly, the gods of capitalism were pulling at my heartstrings, and thus, I decided to embark on a noble shopping crusade.

While waiting to get into the mall I observed a very unique scene. Stationed outside it were at least seven thousand people. From soccer moms, to apathetic teenagers, to grandmothers who were determined to buy the most spirited Christmas sweaters department stores had to offer, the line housed people of every creed and color, all unified by their desire to go in for the shopping kill. Although I respected the initiative my fellow comrades demonstrated simply by being awake at the crack of dawn, I noticed a strange phenomenon: at least a quarter of the people in line were kids, most under the age of three. Dear parents of America, I must ask, since when has it ever been okay to leave little children waiting outside in the frigid cold for hours? Oh wait, I forgot, the rules of good parenting do not apply to profit driven, corporation created days like Black Friday. Even social workers need new iPods right?

In addition to kids, the line also housed tailgaters. Yes, stationed next to me in line were a pair of brothers who besides bringing their own collapsible captain's chairs, decided that 5:00 am was an appropriate time to start grilling hot dogs on their portable barbecue, and sip Bud Light. I am not sure whether the location of this mall in the Southern portion of the United States had anything to do with this phenomenon, but I am fairly certain that I smelled other varieties of grilled meats in the air.

Unlike in Troy where the invasion of soldiers into the heart of the city was done in a stealthy manner, the infiltration of shoppers into the mall was more like a mass stampede. People were running into stores, shoving others out of the way, just so they could get a hold of ten dollar crockpots on sale at Dillard’s. As I was perusing various retailers, and realizing that as fantastic as the discount at Macy’s was green camouflage capris are just never a good look, I noticed people flocking to purchase some very strange items simply because they were on sale. For example, why would a person ever need an industrial theatre-sized popcorn maker, or a giant cotton candy machine? Yes I am aware that starting up a carnival is an interesting business endeavor, but perhaps not the safest of all investments.

As the day progressed, and I made my way to different shopping centers I discovered other interesting sales promotions. The discount store Fred’s was having a 10 cent-off sale on all Fandango Soda (America’s favorite brand!) and Walgreen’s was having a buy one get one free deal on Purex Detergent. Perhaps the best product that I saw all day though, was found at none other than the outerwear store Eddie Bauer. Prominently displayed in front of the cash register was a box of paper cut out coffee cups that had wrapped around them perhaps the most useless invention mankind has ever seen: A down coffee sleeve. Let me ask, since when has my coffee needed goose down insulation? Can it not withstand the chilly fall breeze? I can rationalize dressing one’s pet in a little snow jacket for it keeps them warmer during cold morning walks, but I cannot justify accessorizing my Starbuck skinny vanilla latte. Yes, it provides me with a much-needed jolt of caffeine, but its steep cost of $3.85, and the whole one minute and 22 seconds it takes me to drink it, makes it unworthy of being wrapped up in expensive material like goose feathers. Heck, it’s taken me four years of living in Washington DC, plus the worst blizzard the city has seen in a century, to finally prompt me to buy a down winter coat! Seeing this impractical product was such a turn off to me that I decided to abruptly end my shopping session. As for ever going shopping again so early? I think I’ll pass…That is at least until next year’s Black Friday ads come out…

- Kimberly Wertman

Give Hoodies a Chance!

When I was applying to college I made a deal with my father; For every school that I got accepted to he had to buy me a hoodie from that university. A fair deal, I thought. Having worked so hard in high school to get good grades, and studied my tail off for the SAT’s, wasn’t I, Kimberly Wertman, worthy of an article of clothing that would keep me warm and cozy, and display to the world in a oh-not-so-subtle manner my academic achievements? Yes, I believed I was. You see in my hometown of Greensboro, North Carolina, hoodies are not viewed as being just a piece of clothing that you reserve for a morning coffee run. No, ma’am (or fine sir.) Hoodies are status symbols. If you take a stroll in our most popular shopping center wearing the newest “UNC” hoodie, you might as well have stepped off the fashion runways of Paris because the looks of awe and sheer lust that are sure to appear on the faces of passersby’s will quickly let you knew that you are looking super stylish.

Hence, you can understand why, when I rolled up to Thurston Hall my freshman year at The George Washington University, I was feeling pretty good about my wardrobe. Okay, actually that’s a lie. I was damn cocky about it. Having gotten accepted to eleven different universities my hoodie selection was fly as could be. From the University of Georgia, up to Syracuse University, and all the way out to Indiana University at Bloomington, my hoodie collection had grown domestically, and exponentially over the last few months. I laughed at the prospects of winter, and other natural elements. “Ha, you can’t touch me mother nature! I’ve got 100% heavy cotton blend sweatshirts to fight you off,” I remember thinking one day. And rain? Oh it didn’t stand a chance to me. Not when I, and my signature styled ‘bed-head’ coif were protected by my awesome hoodies. And when it came to ease and functionality, well honestly nothing could touch my favorite wardrobe staple. What could be better and more comfortable to throw on for my 8 am classes than a hoodie and pair of sweatpants? Discounting pajamas, and straight-up nudity, I could think of nothing else. With so many majestic-like qualities to offer it wearers, I had grown up under the impression that hoodies were an integral part of everyone’s wardrobe. That was until the first bit of frost arrived at GW.

As I casually strolled out of my dorm wearing my signature look on that extra- chilly day, it dawned on me how odd it was that none of the women on campus were dressed appropriately for the cold weather. In place of hoodies they were wearing…. sweaters. From cable knit, to wool woven, to cashmere draped, these strange concoctions were covering the bodies of the female studentry. “But how do their necks stay warm without excess fabric covering it? And where do they put their hands when the wind starts blowing hard if they don’t have a kangaroo pouch?” Those were the perplexing questions that I was left to ponder over.

Over the next few weeks I felt like a fish out of water. Not only were my classmates NOT wearing hoodies, but they also looked down on me for doing so. You see in the eyes of our trend-worshiping, New Jersey/Long Island based student body, hoodies are not considered (gasp) cool! Blasphemy, I know, but nonetheless, their way of thinking. From an anthropological perspective, I’ve garnered that this particular subset of the population has seemingly rejected clothing functionality in favor of what’s currently being deemed ‘popular.’ In the fashion manual that every Northern-bred, suburban raised, female was handed out in middle school, there is a clearly demarcated clause that outlaws dressing in a practical manner. For example, scoop neck tops? Ugh, according to the manual so not okay. Why on earth would someone want to keep their collarbone covered up? Deep V-necked, American Apparel baggy t-shirts though; major check! And OH MY GOSH, I almost forgot about the regulation that bans shoppers from wearing these shirts in any other color but WHITE! How else is one supposed to show off their effervescent orange-tinged fake tan? As for jeans, well that look totally died after the world learned what was between Brooke Shields and her Calvin’s. Leggings, on the other hand, are definitely the new way to go. Sure they were originally intended to be worn UNDERNEATH short articles of clothing as a means of preserving ones modesty, or used in conjunction with leotards for Jane Fonda inspired workouts, but the history of the garment is of no consequence to the GW girl. The most modern interpretation of leggings is that they serve a pants-like function without the hindrance of zippers, and encompass the comfort of an elastic waistline. Totally perfect for the freshman 15, and unplanned pregnancies... Just as the rules of keeping kosher, were listed in the Old Testament without any kind of explanation and declared to be law, so to were the statutes in the “Northern Girl’s Handbook” that hail oversized flowy cardigans, and men’s inspired shoulder-padded blazers as being sacred wardrobe pieces. Clearly, my wearing of hoodies, was an obvious violation of this groups’ holy scripture.

Although almost three years have passed since I first realized my transgressions, and I must admit, my proximity to ‘clothing-abiding’ citizens has caused me to alter my wardrobe somewhat (hello, Uggs), my relationship with hoodies is here to stay. Sure, they might make me look a bit like I have a physique on par with Santa Claus’ hot body, and perhaps my neon orange University of Miami sweater is a little bright for the non-caffeinated onlooker to be accosted with early in the morning, but frankly I don’t care. I have one more semester left in college and I intend on embracing the sleep-deprived, disheveled, I-ran-out-of-clean- laundry-and-have-no-other-wardrobe-options-look to the fullest. For the rest of my life, society has dictated that I will have to invest in, and utilize, a thing called ‘a work wardrobe.’ Failing to do so has the potential to get me fired, ala the sexy female banking officer who was canned from Citigroup this summer, or worse, prompt my co-workers to submit a secretly filmed video reel of me to the makeover show “What Not To Wear.” Now is the only time I have left to fully partake in my love affair with hoodies, and I plan on honoring our long-term relationship with the most passionate months of constant wearing, while I still am able to get use out of them. Because let’s be honest, a hoodie that says “George Washington University Alum” is just not that cool.

-Kimberly Wertman