While waiting to get into the mall I observed a very unique scene. Stationed outside it were at least seven thousand people. From soccer moms, to apathetic teenagers, to grandmothers who were determined to buy the most spirited Christmas sweaters department stores had to offer, the line housed people of every creed and color, all unified by their desire to go in for the shopping kill. Although I respected the initiative my fellow comrades demonstrated simply by being awake at the crack of dawn, I noticed a strange phenomenon: at least a quarter of the people in line were kids, most under the age of three. Dear parents of America, I must ask, since when has it ever been okay to leave little children waiting outside in the frigid cold for hours? Oh wait, I forgot, the rules of good parenting do not apply to profit driven, corporation created days like Black Friday. Even social workers need new iPods right?
In addition to kids, the line also housed tailgaters. Yes, stationed next to me in line were a pair of brothers who besides bringing their own collapsible captain's chairs, decided that 5:00 am was an appropriate time to start grilling hot dogs on their portable barbecue, and sip Bud Light. I am not sure whether the location of this mall in the Southern portion of the United States had anything to do with this phenomenon, but I am fairly certain that I smelled other varieties of grilled meats in the air.
Unlike in Troy where the invasion of soldiers into the heart of the city was done in a stealthy manner, the infiltration of shoppers into the mall was more like a mass stampede. People were running into stores, shoving others out of the way, just so they could get a hold of ten dollar crockpots on sale at Dillard’s. As I was perusing various retailers, and realizing that as fantastic as the discount at Macy’s was green camouflage capris are just never a good look, I noticed people flocking to purchase some very strange items simply because they were on sale. For example, why would a person ever need an industrial theatre-sized popcorn maker, or a giant cotton candy machine? Yes I am aware that starting up a carnival is an interesting business endeavor, but perhaps not the safest of all investments.
As the day progressed, and I made my way to different shopping centers I discovered other interesting sales promotions. The discount store Fred’s was having a 10 cent-off sale on all Fandango Soda (America’s favorite brand!) and Walgreen’s was having a buy one get one free deal on Purex Detergent. Perhaps the best product that I saw all day though, was found at none other than the outerwear store Eddie Bauer. Prominently displayed in front of the cash register was a box of paper cut out coffee cups that had wrapped around them perhaps the most useless invention mankind has ever seen: A down coffee sleeve. Let me ask, since when has my coffee needed goose down insulation? Can it not withstand the chilly fall breeze? I can rationalize dressing one’s pet in a little snow jacket for it keeps them warmer during cold morning walks, but I cannot justify accessorizing my Starbuck skinny vanilla latte. Yes, it provides me with a much-needed jolt of caffeine, but its steep cost of $3.85, and the whole one minute and 22 seconds it takes me to drink it, makes it unworthy of being wrapped up in expensive material like goose feathers. Heck, it’s taken me four years of living in Washington DC, plus the worst blizzard the city has seen in a century, to finally prompt me to buy a down winter coat! Seeing this impractical product was such a turn off to me that I decided to abruptly end my shopping session. As for ever going shopping again so early? I think I’ll pass…That is at least until next year’s Black Friday ads come out…
- Kimberly Wertman
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