Zombiepocalypse

My friends and I have a new Sunday night tradition: gathering around a bottle of wine and watching AMC's The Walking Dead. Though the plot line has been pretty slow, the show fulfills our every gore-seeking need (surprising, considering it's on basic cable). Zombies are a serious part of our lives. Last week, we watched The Crazies right before The Walking Dead. I followed up by having breakfast-and-a-horror-movie Monday morning with one of my friends. We made bacon, eggs, and toast, and watched Pontypool, a Canadian thriller which focuses on language as a source of disease. Certain words become infected and people can't stop repeating them, then try to eat other people out of desperation. I was so freaked out that I had to blast music in my apartment when my friend left. It took me a good 20 minutes to gather up the courage to leave my apartment to go to work. I feared streets strewn with dead bodies, and the lingering undead waiting to devour me.

What I've noticed from all of these zombie experiences are the similarities: we turn down the lights to make it creepier, snuggle under our various couch blankets, and then proceed to yell at the TV, telling off the characters for their flagrant disobedience when it comes to what I like to call "The Horror Movie Rules." Because I seriously fear that Zombiepocalypse is sure to happen within my lifetime, and because my biggest pet peeves are those morons who seem to be looking to get killed in zombie movies/TV shows, I will list below "The Horror Movie Rules," hopefully to the benefit of all.

The Horror Movie Rules

1. Stick to the group. Sometimes you need some privacy. Being someone who will avoid using public restrooms, I fully understand that. However, the last thing you want to do is get caught with your pants down (literally) when zombies decide to come out from behind that tree you've positioned yourself against. Assign yourself a bathroom buddy. Or two. Or three.

2. Don't go into dark places. Many of us have watched that lovely scene from I Am Legend where Will Smith loses his dog and decides to go after him, right into the nest of zombies. We're treated to that spectacular view of the creatures feeding on a deer, remember? It's disgusting. Go into dark places, and that deer will be you.

3. Shoot the infected. Losing a loved one is not easy, but just remember that in a few hours, your loved one will want nothing more than your brains. Do yourselves a favor and shoot them in the head. Spending time crying about it will only make the task more difficult. I've made my roommate promise me (multiple times) that, if I get bitten, he will shoot me at once. No questions asked. Also, remember the Double Tap. Zombieland taught us that you shouldn't hesitate to shoot people twice, just in case.

4. Don't trust the government. This always ends badly. If you remember The Crazies, you know that the government isn't out to help anyone but themselves. Shoot first, ask questions later.

5. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. That lovely, calm green pasture looks so quiet and peaceful, right until Farmer Bob comes back to life from his unmarked final resting place. Always have a guard on duty, and make short enough shifts that you don't risk guards dropping from exhaustion.

and last but not least...

6. Don't be a minority. Harsh but true: minorities always die first. Which is why, when Zombiepocalypse happens, I will firmly make my mark as the strong-willed, ballsy female character who isn't afraid to shoot, one of the longer-lasting Zombie movie/TV show roles. If that doesn't work out for you, the bumbling but well-intentioned white male is a pretty safe bet. Other than that, well, I can only hope you don't taste too pleasant.

-Nicole Capó